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WHORE-oscopes: Sex, Love, and the Zodiac


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Happy Valentine’s Day, Hatters! Whether your idea of love is finding that special someone or embracing your inner hoe, the stars have a match in mind for you. If you’re feeling especially celestial, cast your natal chart and use your Mars sign for sexual compatibility and Venus sign for romantic compatibility. Now that’s a match made in heaven!

 

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

You’ll have the best sex with: Leo. You’ve got a passion that can’t be contained, and any sexual partner needs to be able to match your energy. Fierce Leo is sure to challenge you both physically and mentally.

You might settle down with: Sagittarius. You’re independent to a harsh degree, and anyone who hopes to stick around will need to keep things interesting. Sagittarius’s open mind will keep a world of possibilities at your fingertips.

 

TAURUS (April 22 – May 21)

You’ll have the best sex with: Sagittarius. You have a tendency to be stuck in your ways, and you could stand to try new things once in a while. Sagittarius’ adventurous spirit offers the perfect challenge to your usual routines in the bedroom.

You might settle down with: Cancer. You love the comforts of home, and you need a place to call your own. The warm heart of a Cancer will make you feel secure no matter what.

 

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

You’ll have the best sex with: Scorpio. You have a habit of intellectualizing everything, even when it comes to the most carnal of ventures. Passionate Scorpio can encourage you to let yourself go and enjoy the experience.

You might settle down with: Pisces. You might seem like a no-nonsense academic type, but deep down, you’re a dreamer. Pisces’ head-in-the-clouds mysticism is the perfect fulfillment of your romantic ideations.

 

CANCER (June 23 – July 22)

You’ll have the best sex with: Aries. You’ve never been one to do things halfway, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Aries’ deep, passionate nature will keep you on your toes through any encounter.

You might settle down with: Virgo. Thinking long-term, you need someone you can depend on and who won’t shy away from your intense emotional investment. Though the two of you may express your love differently, Virgo’s empathetic nature is the perfect complement to your unwavering affection.

 

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll have the best sex with: Libra. You love to be worshipped, and Libra’s eager to please. You’ll find yourself the center of attention with both of you loving it.

You might settle down with: Capricorn. When it comes to love, you need something stable and consistent or your emotions may get the better of you. Practical, down-to-Earth Capricorn is just the thing to balance out your fiery energy.

 

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)

You’ll have the best sex with: Capricorn. You need someone who can take charge, giving you some sense of direction without being too bossy. Capricorn’s natural leadership will help keep things focused so you can go with the flow.

You might settle down with: Gemini. Opposites attract, and your deep-thinking, introverted nature is begging for a partner to pull you out of your shell. Outgoing, maverick Gemini is the ideal partner to complement you perfectly.

 

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)

You’ll have the best sex with: Aquarius. You’re generally up for anything, and sex is no exception. Imaginative Aquarius will bring you no shortage of new and exciting things to try.

You might settle down with: Aries. They may not always be easy to please, but you’re definitely up for the challenge. Treat them well, and Aries will never run out of ways to surprise you.

 

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

You’ll have the best sex with: Pisces. You’re a bit of a control freak, and the bedroom is no exception. Dutiful Pisces is the perfect partner to submit to your deepest fantasies.

You might settle down with: Leo. Screwing around can be fun, but when the chips are down, you’re really looking for undying loyalty. You’ll find that in Leo’s unwavering passion for anyone they can call “theirs.”

 

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

You’ll have the best sex with: Gemini. Sex should be fun, and you need a partner who will stimulate you both physically and mentally while still keeping it lighthearted. Gemini’s sharp wit and gentle affections offer the complete package.

You might settle down with: Libra. You’re a very go-with-the-flow person, which is a good thing, but you could use some direction at times. Libra’s relaxed style of leadership is the perfect match for your casual devotion.

 

CAPRICORN (December 23 – January 21)

You’ll have the best sex with: Taurus. You like to be in charge, and you’re a natural leader in nearly any situation. Devoted Taurus will let you take hold of the reins (perhaps literally!).

You might settle down with: Aquarius. You like stability, but you’re not one to shy away from adventure once in a while. Aquarius is the perfect blend of consistency and originality to keep your life exciting.

 

AQUARIUS (January 22 – February 20)

You’ll have the best sex with: Cancer. You’re not likely to enjoy sex with a partner who isn’t 100% invested in the experience. With dedicated Cancer, you’ll never have to wonder if they’re truly enjoying themselves.

You might settle down with: Scorpio. You may have a different way of showing it, but you love with your whole heart, and expect nothing less from a partner. Loyal Scorpio will show you the undying adoration you need and deserve.

 

PISCES (February 21 – March 20)

You’ll have the best sex with: Virgo. For you, sex is an expression of feeling, whether it’s love or just a poetic appreciation for the other person’s body. Virgo’s sensitive nature offers you the intimacy you crave, even if it’s just for a night.

You might settle down with: Taurus. Your head is in the clouds, and while that makes you a great romantic, a life partner should be able to pull you back when they need to. Down-to-Earth Taurus will keep you grounded while still letting you wander from time to time.

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WHORE-oscopes: Sex, Love, and the Zodiac